Telling your partner what you want in bed is more important than the amount of sex you have when it comes to relationship satisfaction, a study shows. 

Researchers surveyed 126 young, early stage couples about their sex life, including how often they had sex, and their levels of both sexual satisfaction and general satisfaction with their relationship.  

Both ‘sexual frequency’ – having sex often – and ‘sexual communication’ – saying what they want in the bedroom – was an indicator of sexual satisfaction.

However, only sexual communication was found to be a predictor of being satisfied more widely with the relationship. 

The benefits of clear and honest communication about sexual needs and fantasies has much wider benefits beyond the bedroom, the study suggests. 

Understanding what makes relationships tick, especially in their early stages, can be the difference between a chance at long-term happiness or a short-term fling, the team say. 

‘Our research shows that communicating with your partner is essential for ensuring a good sex life as well as a happy relationship,’ said study’s lead author, Rick Roels, Department of Neurosciences at the University of Leuven in Belgium. 

The team analysed two separate factors to judge sexual and relationship satisfaction in the early stages of budding romances – sexual frequency and sexual communication. 

Previously, sexual frequency and sexual communication have independently been shown to contribute to sexual satisfaction. 

But this new study is the first to examine the contribution of both factors to both sexual and relationship satisfaction in young, heterosexual couples 

Whereas sexual frequency constitutes a ‘quantitative indicator’ of a couple’s sexual interactions, sexual communication represents ‘a more qualitative dimension’, the team says.

In other words, the frequency of which a couple has sex may not be a reliable indicator of how sexually satisfied they are in their relationship.

In general, communication between sexual partners has been found to be important to sexual satisfaction. 

‘Mutual disclosure is linked to greater sexual satisfaction as it may increase feelings of intimacy and connectedness in the couple,’ the team say. 

‘Increased communication between two partners is associated with higher levels of sexual satisfaction, whether this concerns general or sexual communication.

‘Others, however, have reported the specific importance of communication about sex, in particular sexual needs and desires, for sexual satisfaction.’

For this study, the team surveyed 126 heterosexual couples with an average age of 23 years, recruited from the Flemish region of Belgium.  

Participants had to be aged between 18 and 30 years, in a committed, heterosexual relationship for at most three years and co-habitating or spending at least four nights a week together for no more than two years.

Individuals were excluded if they had co-habited with or been married to someone else before and if they had children or were pregnant.

Only individuals who considered themselves as being in general good health were included, and were excluded if they were in treatment for sexual dysfunctions.  

The participants completed a questionnaire that assessed the frequency of sexual and intimate activities. 

They were asked how often they engaged in such activities during the last 12 months, with response options ranging from ‘not once’, ‘once a month or less’, ‘several times a month’, ‘once or twice a week’, ‘a few times a week’, ‘once a day’ and ‘more than once a day’. 

Another questionnaire they had to complete measured how respondents perceived the discussion of sexual matters with their partners, featuring questions about whether they enjoy talking about sex and about the ease with which they can communicate their sexual preferences to their partner.  

The participants were also assessed on their level of sexual satisfaction and asked about how satisfied they were in their relationship generally. 

The responses showed that although both sexual frequency and sexual communication had an effect on sexual satisfaction, only sexual communication, such as the ability to express one’s sexual needs, not sexual frequency, predicted relationship satisfaction.  

Therefore, being able to openly express one’s sexual desires and addressing sexual concerns with one’s partner can be considered advantageous, especially when partners have different preferences and expectations.

‘While our study confirms the previously found connection between sexual frequency and sexual satisfaction, it shows that, when both are included in a single analysis, sexual communication outweighs the frequency of sex in the prediction of relationship satisfaction,’ the experts say. 

They found no differences between men and women, which contrasts with some previous studies.

This difference may be explained by the fact that the sample consisted of young couples in the early stages of their relationship.

Previous studies reporting gender differences focused on long-term relationships or included a wider age range or couples in different relationship stages. 

It’s therefore possible that the older couples get, the less of a beneficial effect sexual communication has on their overall relationship. 

The team admit limitations of their study include the reliance on self-report measures and a relatively homogeneous sample of fairly young couples. 

The new study has been published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine.