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Kensington Council won’t reinstate bollards on hated cycle lane

Council insists it will not bring back bollards on Kensington's hated cycle lane despite mayor Sadiq Khan's threat to take control of the traffic...
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    CRAIG BROWN: Last one to shoot a stag is a sissy… An exclusive peek at The Crown – Season 4 

    CRAIG BROWN: Ra-ra-ra! Last one to shoot a stag is a sissy… An exclusive peek at The Crown – Season 4

    Scene 1

    The Queen and Prince Philip are in their sitting room in Buckingham Palace. The Queen sits quietly in her favourite chair, stuffing a stag’s head, while Prince Philip applies himself to coshing wild salmon.

    Prince Philip: I say! What’s that infernal box in the corner with wires sticking out of its back?

    The Queen: I believe it’s what they call a ‘telly-vision’, Philip. Very much like the radio, only with pictures, too. Oh! Do look! It has an ‘on’ button!

    The Queen and Prince Philip are in their sitting room in Buckingham Palace. The Queen sits quietly in her favourite chair, stuffing a stag’s head, while Prince Philip applies himself to coshing wild salmon

    Newscaster: ‘ . . . and, in the rest of the news, for the first time, a woman has just been elected Prime Minister.’

    Prince Philip: Crikey! Who on earth could that be?

    Newcaster: ‘ . . . her name is Margaret Thatcher. Now over to Chris for the weather. Chris?’

    Prince Philip: Well, that’s the last time I watch television!

    Scene 2

    Breakfast the next day. The Queen is leafing through the newspapers while Prince Philip taunts a tortoise. The Queen suddenly spots a photograph of Mrs Thatcher.

    The Queen: I rather like the look of her!

    Prince Philip: What!!!? A shopkeeper’s daughter who’s made no secret of the fact that she believes this country has to change from top to bottom?!!! One thing’s for sure, we’re not inviting that dreadful woman here!

    There is a knock. Mrs Thatcher puts her head round the door.

    There is a knock. Mrs Thatcher puts her head round the door. Mrs Thatcher: Coo-eee! Beg pardon! Only me!

    There is a knock. Mrs Thatcher puts her head round the door. Mrs Thatcher: Coo-eee! Beg pardon! Only me!

    Mrs Thatcher: Coo-eee! Beg pardon! Only me!

    The Queen (looking queasy): Why, Mrs Thatcher . . . what . . . a . . . lovely . . . surprise. It would be awfully nice if you would form a government in my name.

    Mrs Thatcher (falling to her knees): Don’t mind if I do, marm!

    The Queen: And do help yourself to a biscuit on the way out.

    Mrs Thatcher: Ta muchly, marm!

    Scene 3

    Balmoral. Afternoon. The Royal Family are relaxing. In the centre of the room, the Queen Mother and her old friend Ruth, Lady Fermoy are hooting with laughter, while trapping wasps in a bottle. In one corner, Prince Philip and Princess Anne are busy skinning a goldfish, while in another Prince Charles is banging his head against a wall.

    Prince Philip: Stop making that infernal din, Charles! If you want to bang your head against a wall, kindly do so upstairs!

    Prince Charles: Woe is me!

    The Queen: Oh, let him get on with it, Philip! You know how much he enjoys it!

    In one corner, Prince Philip and Princess Anne are busy skinning a goldfish, while in another Prince Charles is banging his head against a wall.

    In one corner, Prince Philip and Princess Anne are busy skinning a goldfish, while in another Prince Charles is banging his head against a wall.

    Prince Philip: It’s high time Charles married a sweet and innocent 19-year-old girl with no past who will then give birth to two boys, William and Harry, before everything starts to go hopelessly wrong.

    Queen Mother and Ruth, Lady Fermoy (in unison): We know just the person!

    Princess Margaret (looking out of the window): Oh, Lord! A simply ghastly-looking couple have just arrived driving a dreadfully common little car! Who on earth are they?

    There is a knock at the door.

    Mrs Thatcher: Coo-ee! Remember me — your Prime Minister, marm! And this is my hubby, Denis! Say hello to the nice people, Denis!

    Princess Margaret (under her breath): Just look what the cat’s brought in.

    The Queen: After such an exhausting journey, I’m sure you will want to relax by going on a 15-mile trek across the moors, Mrs Thatcher. Off you jolly well go!

    Princess Anne: Last one to shoot a stag’s a sissy!

    Princess Margaret (looking out of the window): Oh, Lord! A simply ghastly-looking couple have just arrived driving a dreadfully common little car! Who on earth are they?

    Princess Margaret (looking out of the window): Oh, Lord! A simply ghastly-looking couple have just arrived driving a dreadfully common little car! Who on earth are they?

    Scene 4

    Six hours later, Mrs Thatcher arrives back at Balmoral, soaking wet, in a long dress and tiara, with a dead stag over her shoulders.

    Mrs Thatcher (mutters): That’ll show ’em!

    Princess Margaret: Did no one ever tell you it’s common to shoot a stag on the left-hand side? And surely you were taught never to lug its corpse on one’s shoulders if there’s an ‘r’ in the month! The Prime Ministers they send us these days!

    The Queen (trying to build bridges): I know! Let’s all play the chimpanzee game! You go down on your hands and knees, Mrs T, and make funny noises — and the rest of us will throw currant buns at you!

    The Queen Mother: Such fun!

    Enter the Butler

    Butler: It’s General Galtieri on the phone, Your Majesty. Says he’s just invaded the Falklands, and wonders what you plan to do about it?

    Prince Charles: But that’s really TOO BAD! Just when I’m expecting a call from Camilla. Tell Galtieri to get off that bloody line, or we’ll jolly well get Mrs T to send a task force to take those islands back!

    To be continued…

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